Can someone please explain to me why so many women won’t invest in themselves? I really don’t get it. Women will spend money on clothes, hair and coffee. They’ll write big fat checks at the drop of the hat for their kids to play competitive sports, get music lessons or have the latest gaming technology. They’ll help a friend, or complete strangers through charitable giving. But ask them to invest in their own learning and growth and suddenly things are WAY too expensive.

What gives? Is it about fear of actually having to show up and make some changes? Fear of showing up and feeling inadequate? Not understanding that if you don’t learn and grow your career or business won’t either? A ‘deserving’ level that is set really low? Being a cheapskate? Feeling that investing time and money in your own growth is somehow selfish? I’m dead serious. What the hell is this about?

For men it’s not whether they’re going to invest in themselves, it’s about ‘where?’ and ‘how much?’. They’re ready, willing and able to spend money and time to move the dial for themselves, in many different ways. Case in point: men will drop thousands of dollars a year on golf. Golf. Why? Because they know that not only is it a good time, it’s a good investment in their careers. They can connect the dots between the putting green and building relationships, getting the latest information on what’s happening in the business community and sealing some deals.  They’ll unapologetically put themselves in as many learning and growth environments as they can knowing that doing so equals increased exposure to people, ideas, tools and success.

I’ve been polling organizational development leaders and executive coaches lately about this phenomenon, and to a person they see the same disparity. It’s really, really troubling. If we want to changes the numbers at the top and in pay equity we’ve GOT to be willing to invest time and money in building our own capabilities. In more blunt terms,  you’ve got to pay to play.

I’d love to hear your thoughts – what do you think is behind women’s unwillingness to invest in themselves?

I'm not good at anything.

Last week at MoxieFest I was sitting at a table with four teenaged girls ranging in age from 12-15. I asked them a simple question, “What are you good at?” The question, and the underlying ramifications, turned out not to be so simple. The girls couldn’t answer the question. It truly stumped them. After some prodding and encouragement from me, one of the girls brightly proclaimed, “I’m good at soccer!” I watched her face light up when the realization that she WAS good at something dawned on her. More prodding and encouragement from me had another of the girls come to the realization that she was, “pretty good at school.” Not as much conviction, not as much excitement. Two of the girls were unable to respond. They could not come up with a single thing they thought they were good at. I even asked the question in a different way,”What would your MOM say you were good at?” Nothing. I wanted to cry.

I’ll just go ahead and state the obvious- women are really rotten at standing in their greatness, at taking credit for their share of work accomplished, at acknowledging they have gifts and talents that add to this party we call business and life. How many times have you heard a colleague say, ‘it was nothing’ or ‘really it was the team that pulled it off’ or something along those lines. All the time, I bet. We’ve got to come up with a better answer when someone points out what we’ve done. How about, ‘I worked very hard to make that happen and am stoked that it all came together’. Or try this one for size, ‘The ______(fill in the blank) was right in my wheelhouse and I’m glad I was able to use my strengths to make it happen.’

We need to acknowledge our accomplishments and understand what we’re good at so the people around us can do the same. And sometimes, horror of horrors, we need to START the conversation about our accomplishments and what we’re good at instead of waiting someone else to take the lead. If we don’t, it’s likely that no one else will, and the numbers at the top will stayed stacked in the xy chromosome camp. Don’t be an idiot about it – thank others who were involved, be gracious AND own your success and talents.

Here’s my throw down challenge. I want to hear what YOU are good at. Actually, I want to hear, unapologetically, what you kick a** at, what big and small things you’ve accomplished that you’re proud of, and what YOU bring to the party. I’ll take my own bait and start us off. Here’s what I’m good at: I’m good at communicating big ideas. I’m good at creating enthusiasm in a team. I’m good at seeing the big picture and thinking about long range implications of strategic moves. I’m good at connecting people, resources and ideas. I’m good at leading the charge or pushing from the back of the pack to keep the momentum going. I’m good at making people laugh and making people feel comfortable.

Bring it on! Oh, and bring a girl to the party. They need to see that it’s not only ok, but necessary to know what you’re good at and own your accomplishments. The two girls at MoxieFest who didn’t know, or didn’t feel comfortable acknowledging what they were good at? I filled in the blanks for them and shared what I thought they were good at from what I’d observed over the several hours we’d spent together. When all else fails, have a sister’s back!

Mo

I’m Mo (Maureen) and I’ve set out to change the way women support each other, develop as leaders and inspire our future female phenoms!  Find me on the roof top calling all women with MOXIE!  Find me on Twitter or join our ROCKIN’ Facebook and LinkedIn Communities

It’s our responsibility to start talking, and keep talking, to the girls in our lives about what it means to be a woman and a leader and about how to spot and understand the messages being directed their way that are subtle yet powerful in their ability to distort reality. A great place to start is the documentary Miss Representation, by Jennifer Siebel Newsom. You might also read Ashley Judd’s wonderful post together about speculations surrounding her appearance and the larger implications of the hub bub.  You could even sit down and participate in the ‘puffy face moments’ movement Judd started.

If you haven’t done so already, get the girls in your life involved in on our own Go Girl Project. This month we’re holding MoxieFest events across the country because we know that ‘if you can see it, you can be it’. We want girls to see smart, successful REAL women in action and believe that they, too, can walk in those shoes.

Finally, let me share what’s become somewhat of a running joke in our house. When I see something that just isn’t right, I point it out. I don’t harp, moan or hop on a soap-box, I simply call it as I see it. And you know what? It’s working. Here was a recent exchange between my son, daughter and I as we were watching a movie at home. Before I could even say anything about the scene (in which the actor was climbing a water tower in 4 inch heels, a push up bra and a skin tight dress while her scene mate was in jeans and running shoes) my daughter spoke up, “Mom, we GET it. Women are objectified by the media.” “Yeah, it’s wrong, we know. Very unfair,” said my son.  Happy dance! They noticed it- they SAW what usually slips past unnamed yet high impact. They’re paying attention and knew it was twisted. I’ll take that over silence every day!

As long as I have a voice, I’m committed to pointing out the garbage that’s poisoning our girls. When I stop, I’ll be dead. Maybe I’ll pre-record some messages that can be played when I’m gone… Or maybe, if we’re ALL talking, things will be better. Please add your voice to the mix, or if you’re already started, keep talking, sister!

Yes, everyone has a story about a woman who was evil to her at work. Guess what? Everyone has a story about a man who was evil to them at work, too. This isn’t a gender issue, it’s an emotional intelligence issue! I recently read an article in an online business journal that got my blood boiling with the title, “Mean Girl Syndrome in the Workplace.” Really? Is this 6th grade? Some of the language in the article included ‘back stabbing’.  I had to reply. Here is an excerpt of my comments on the article:

“The poor interactions I’ve been a part of came down to one of us (male/female) not behaving in an emotionally intelligent manner. Think back over your last 100 interactions with women- I would hazard that 100 of them were positive, same as with men. Instead we focus on the 1/1,000 interaction we had with a woman that didn’t go well and raise the flag that women are ‘backstabbers’, which we don’t do when it’s with a man. We are doing ourselves a disservice and undermining the wonderful support that women give and receive from one another every day. Let’s stop making the exception the rule, stop using phrases like ‘mean girl syndrome’, and start focusing on…”

Start focusing on what? Thinking bigger, asking for more, mentoring and sponsoring one another, raising our emotional intelligence, getting a woman in the White House, equal pay, getting more women in the C-Suite and on boards, the list goes on! Enough with the drivel about not supporting one another and let’s spend our time and energy on the issues that the data support and that will really move the dial for women in the workplace and in the world.

Only 999 times more to go!

What I find a bit ironic is that there’s a perception that men are bad at asking for help, and women are great at it. While that may be true in our personal lives, I’ve observed just the opposite to be true in the professional world. Women will get it done on their own or die trying. Better to gut it out than have anyone think we don’t know it all or can’t do it all. We have unrealistic expectations about what we should be able to do on our own, and it hurts us in the workplace. We slave away trying to figure something out, when that wheel has already been created. We need to learn how to draft, how to use the energies and efforts of the people around us so we can all succeed! We also need to understand that asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of emotional intelligence. Trying to do it all leads to burnout, mistakes and slow delivery. Yes, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did in heels and backwards, but she also was focused just on the dancing, not on the show’s production, hiring, lighting, ticket sales… You get my point.

I hereby ask each one of the over-achieving-thanks-I-can-get-it-I-should-be-smart-enough-talented-enough-faster-better-stronger women reading this post to DITCH YOUR WONDER WOMAN LASSO. Enough! Ask for help. Collaborate. Get someone else to do it. Realize when something is ‘good enough’ and stop there. Delegate. If you don’t those super human efforts will eventually come back to harm you, whether it be in compromised health or relationships or in limited opportunities, because even Wonder Woman has her limits!

What a waste! I’ve found that it’s the very rare case indeed where someone truly intended something bad to happen. Mostly, people are stumbling along doing the best they can, and wanting to do good things in the world, or at least do no harm. We need to change the script of the stories we create in our heads about why people do things. Right now, the scripts are overwhelmingly negative and the personal and professional costs are astronomical. On the flip side, what Joann Barsh at McKinsey found in her research about remarkable female leaders was that they practiced positive framing. In other words, one of the 5 key practices of very successful women included assuming good intentions. How about that!

I ran across this blog post by Jason Ivers that lists the reasons assuming good intentions helps you. I would add the instead of being angry, suspicious and on edge, assuming good intentions allows you to approach your work and life with a sense of curiosity and joy. Everything from how you interpret the email in your in-box to how you react to getting cut off in traffic changes.  It really is amazing! Making the shift is simple and profound. It also takes diligence. The media, our hard-wiring, the people around us are all like crabs in a bucket trying to pull us back in when we frame the world in a different way. Once you’ve made the shift though, it becomes easier and easier to stay in good intentions mode, and more obvious when you don’t. It’s a lot more fun on the sunny side of the street!

For those of you looking to launch a new business venture, take a spin around the Chic CEO website. It’s loaded with free resources from financing to marketing. They were named by Forbes as one of the Top 10 Entrepreneurial Sites for Women, and after spending any amount of time there, you can see why.

If you’re looking to make a career change or want to give your current career a bit of rocket fuel, check out the Career Coward’s Guide book series by Katy Piotrowski. There are five books in the series covering everything from interviewing to career advancement. Moxie is lucky to have Katy running our Northern Colorado Exchange – she was awarded the equivalent to an Oscar in her field of career counseling, and her books are loaded with solid, field-tested, practical career management advice and tools.

Finally, check out one of our favorite blog sites, Lip-sticking. Led by the fearless Yvonne DiVita Lip-sticking has been nailing topics for women since 2004. With a number of guest bloggers and perspectives, the Lip-sticking blog always has something to offer and plenty of ideas and food for thought to keep you moving forward.

If you have not done so already, I highly recommend you set a growth plan for yourself for the coming year. Think about what skills and experiences you want to add to your repertoire and give yourself the gift of learning! Enjoy the holidays and see you in 2012!

Never been a planner? Here are a few quick and dirty, ‘get it done’ approaches to making great plans.

1) Take stock. Ask yourself a series of questions: What went well this year? What were my/our screw-ups? What did I/we learn? How do I want my career or business to look at the end of next year? If I waved a magic wand and everything went perfectly, what is my career/business/world like?

2) Put it in writing. If you’re a small business owner, I love, love, love the strategy tools provided by the Gazelles organization. They are simple, yet powerful, and can really move the dial for your business. I think they do a nice job outlining personal goal setting at Mind Tools.

3) Create a system for execution. Your plans aren’t worth the paper they are written on if you stash them away with no mechanism for follow through and follow up. Like your plans, your execution strategy should be simple and powerful. For example, at each Moxie Monthly Exchange meeting, we carve out time to rewrite goals and set smaller monthly goals and priorities to drive the larger result. We keep our goals in front of us, and chunk them down to month-by-month. Figure out a way that you can have a rhythm and routine around reviewing and prioritizing next steps for your goal attainment, too.

Enjoy the process, dream big, and let us know how it all works out!

YOU OWN YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE.

You have to take action on ideas that are presented to you. You have to ask for more money if you want it. Only YOU decide whether you’re angry, sad, optimistic or exuberant. Only YOU decide what you’re going to get off your tush and implement. Nobody is going to do this for you, sister. The only one stopping you from starting a business, getting the promotion, landing the big donor is YOU. If you give up at the first no, you own that. If you let a crappy boss get the best of you, you own it. If you stay the course, do the work, have a ‘get it done’ attitude, you own it. If you’ve been at a Monthly Exchange where great ideas are shared it’s up to YOU to own what you’ve learned and TAKE ACTION on the ideas. Nobody is going to ride that horse for you.

I just finished reading “Kabul Beauty School” by Deborah Rodriguez. The glimpse it gives you into the lives of the women in the Middle East will give you pause. These women, against seemingly insurmountable odds, daily degradation, violence against women and no legal rights STILL are taking action, owning their experience and changing their lives for the better.

Should it be so hard for us, then, to own it?

We know that when you’re laughing, you’re learning and you may have suspected this already, but who you hang around really impacts how you feel. Some smarty-pants researchers at Harvard and UC San Diego proved it. At Moxie we’re aiming for a macro ‘pigtails and funny, smart girlfriends scenario’, where joy and growth dance the tango. It seems to be working there, also!

It’s important to think about how happy your workplace is as well. Kris Boesch, Founder of Choose People has the best blog out there on having happy employees. Choose People completed 1,000 hours of research and they have the secret sauce (8 key factors) for creating an organization where people feel good about coming to work. I’ll take fries with that secret sauce, please!

As always, it circles back to choice. How you’re showing up, who you’re hanging out with, what you’re doing as a company. I’d love to hear what you’re doing in business and in life to create joy and growth for yourself and those around you. Extra credit for pictures of you in pigtails!